Trying to expat in a time of COVID
I left Boston on February 5, 2020, amid the beginning of concern regarding the novel corona virus. I was asked by a number of people close to me not to go abroad and was forced to buy a mask by a couple of dear friends. Make no mistake, I did not take the decision to leave lightly. In my mind, I needed to go. I needed to get out. What was I going to do? I didn’t have a formal job. My inspiration was gone. I had no personal life to speak of. I just had a number of friends who were concerned about my safety and well-being, but lives of their own. To be completely honest, I’ve been a bit of a shell for the better part of a year. There have been professional let downs, multiple deaths between family and friends, and generally nothing much to smile about. So, I had to go.
My plan was, and to an extent still is, to come to Thailand, rent an apartment, go to my good buddy’s wedding in Vietnam, and then come back to Bangkok and get to work on getting people in the restaurant industry to know and like me, and, hopefully, get someone to throw me a work visa so that I could go back to Boston in June for a very important wedding, pack up my shit, and flee the country for good. Initially, I thought that I would try to get a 60 day non-immigrant visa, but, as it turns out, it’s not the easiest thing to procure while in Boston. So, instead, I had to come over on a 30 day tourist visa. This means that every 30 days, I would have to leave Thailand and come back in to renew the tourist visa.
While I was in Vietnam for the wedding, the COVID scare amped up a little. When I re-entered Thailand, I was questioned regarding my ongoing flight. I hadn’t booked any of my visa runs yet, so all I had was my return ticket for June. I was stopped for a good ten minutes while immigration debated and eventually waved me through. I have to be honest. It was a little bit touch and go at that moment. I was a bit terrified. I still had a bunch of my gear stashed in my apartment in Bangkok. My final flight was out of Bangkok. I had agreed to a stage in Bangkok. I needed to get back.
A week after I got back, I decided to book a couple of my visa runs. I have one booked for March 21-24 in Penang, Malaysia, and one booked for April 21-23 in Yangon, Myanmar (Burma). Both are placed I had never been, and have food that I’m not super familiar with. I’m genuinely excited to go to these places. I plan on eating my face off.
What worries me is the re-entry to Thailand. With the uptick of COVID mania (some of which is founded, and some unfounded), I worry that borders will be more difficult to cross. What happens if I get stuck in Penang or Yangon? Will the bulk of my things be stuck in Thailand? How will I catch my flights? So, I am worried. What if my outgoing flights get cancelled? If I overstay my tourist visa, I could get fined and blacklisted for a time. Thailand is the place I want to be. I want to find a way to make a life here. I have made some friends here, and I plan on making more. So, the next few weeks and months will be stressful for me in more ways than one.
The climate in Thailand is definitely one of caution. Many people are wearing masks, and I’ve even seen a couple people wearing latex gloves on public transit. They have started taking the temperature of anyone going into my apartment building, as well as that of the people who have entered the swing dancing venue that I have been going to. The common areas of the apartment building that I live in have been closed down, which includes the lounge in the lobby, the gym, the library, and the pools. This irks me to no end, because I love to spend a few hours of my day reading while half submerged in water. At malls, there are thermal cameras at every door. You can’t walk indoors anywhere without seeing hand sanitizer every 50 paces or so. The elevator in my apartment building has hand sanitizer in it so people can clean themselves after using the fingerprint scanner, and they change plastic wrap over the buttons every day. Places like Chatuchak Market and the Ratchada Rod Fai Train Market, though not empty, aren’t teeming with people like they usually are.
When I got to Thailand, I talked to my friend Manav who is a cook at Gaa. He said it was a bad time to be looking for a job in Bangkok and that their numbers have dropped because of the initial China travel ban. The night that I talked to him, they only have 14 people on the books. Just the thought of that hurts me.
I only had one stage lined up when I arrived here. I was supposed to start a stage at DAG on the 15th, but because of a delay in reopening, it has been pushed back to March 26th, when I get back from my visa run. I tried desperately to come up with another stage before then, but it was hard to even get a restaurant to respond to my e-mails. The few did respond told me that that they were already booked up with stages, that they didn’t accept stages, or that they didn’t have openings for a long while. It was demoralizing.
So, I spent the bulk of my time in my apartment, trying not to spend money, watching American news, and binge watching Netflix. I tried to work on recording a podcast, but, as it turns out, I suck at talking to no one and having no one to bounce things off of. I’ve recently abandoned the idea for the time being.
A stroke of luck happened upon me when I got an e-mail from bo.lan, a Michelin starred restaurant. Previously, they told me that they were booked through October, however someone had recently dropped out of their May stage. I jumped on it, and now I have a stage booked from April 26-May 22.
With two month long stages, in a pre-COVID world, I would feel a lot better about my life. In a COVID world, I just hope that I can fulfill my obligations to them.
With the drop in tourism here in Bangkok, I know that no one will be able to offer me a work visa this time around. I’ve been talking to a woman who does the marketing for a hotel chain here in Thailand. She has said that it’s so quiet, and she’s doing anything she can to generate income for the company. I chalk it up to really bad timing on my part, but I haven’t lost all hope for the future. I know that I want to be abroad. I know that I don’t necessarily feel a sense of belonging anywhere in the USA.
Sometimes I ask myself what I would be doing in the States. To be honest, I have no idea. I was recently listening to a podcast episode of Inside of You with Michael Rosenbaum where he interviewed Brandon Routh. Brandon talked about feeling knocked down after his role in Superman Returns didn’t launch him or produce the buzz that he or his team though it would. He talked about having to take a step back and relearn things. He talked a lot about trying to learn to value himself. I think that’s where I am now. I’m trying hard to take care of my mental health and I’ve placed myself in a learning stage. I’m resetting. I’m trying to figure out where the hospitality industry is headed, not just in Boston, but in the world in general. I have to go backwards a little in order to see the forest from the trees.
I’ve talked to a lot of industry people over the past nine months. Some of them have cemented their place is the world. Some are also in transition or are lost like me. Some have other things in their lives to go home to. Some, like me, have just as little as I do. Some are complacent floating around, just making ends meet.
I’ve never been good at not working. I always need a goal. I always have a plan. Having not worked since January, the not working has worn me down a little bit. I was happy just to cook dinner for some swing dancing friends at a retreat in Khao Yai last weekend. I like to be busy. So, I’m really hoping I can make it back for the stages.
Though, I know that I would have to, I can’t say that I would be working if I were still in Boston. I don’t know anywhere that really inspires me. I’m sure there are plenty of things to learn and plenty of people to learn from in Boston, but I just can’t see doing it. I wonder, if I had a job in Boston, would I care? There are a select number of people that I think I could work for, one of which is my mentor, Michael LaScola, in Nantucket. So, if I don’t get the work visa in Thailand, I’ll probably end up back on the island, then back in San Francisco, then I would make another run at Bangkok.
I’ve had a mantra since Night Market closed. It is: “I don’t want to hire. I don’t want to fire. I don’t want to schedule. I don’t want to discipline. I don’t want to train anyone. I don’t want to supervise anyone. Tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it. If you see anything wrong with what I’m doing, just tell me and I’ll fix it. I’m a robot and I don’t have any feelings. I am here for you.” I tend to get a really good response from this line, but it doesn’t really make a good argument for longevity at any job. What I’m looking for is someone or some place that makes me want to be more than a robot, a place that makes me want to nurture things around me and not just take a paycheck.
So, here in Thailand, I’m looking for inspiration, a sense of belonging, and some of that work/life balance that will make me feel like a whole human. I’m looking for more love to put into my cooking. I’m looking for new tastes and ingredients. I’m looking for new methods and means for making myself and others happy. And I’m looking for a way to push myself out of my comfort zone, so that maybe there’s something lasting to smile about.
COVID-19 has put a bit of a wrench in the works, but I feel like I need to keep trying anyways. I said, when I left, that I was playing a big gambit. I didn’t know what else to do. I still don’t. Who knows if I played my gambit too early, but I couldn’t see postponing it. I couldn’t see waiting and being stuck in Boston. So, for now, I’ll try to stay hopeful. If it doesn’t work, I guess I’ll just lather, rinse, and repeat.